grapefruit segments

crap world

2009-10-16T08:08:12Z

I have to stand up and humiliate myself in front of sneering flat-faced teenagers for long miserable awkward blocks of ninety minutes while I pretend to teach them books I no longer read and concepts I don't care about. The moods are worst in the morning or when i have any kind of stress. I'm shit at teaching.
Annoyingly, i still enjoy shopping. I never want to meet one more whole complete happy person with more to live for than me.

One of my ex-friends keeps sending me abusive emails about the drink I didn't buy that time. The other never contacts me because she's happy and doesn't want to catch what I've got. I do have a friend who's nice to me, which is good. I can only get through the day by doing as little as possible. And the doctor won't help. My doctor is a selfish lazy tosser. As many of them are.

ashes and ashes

2009-10-14T11:38:37Z

I went to the place ma's ashes were scattered yesterday. It was a v. long journey. First 2.5 hrs onna train to Abergavenny, then it juuuust slightly failed to overlap with the bus, so I spent an hour there buying a small rucksack for all the coats I'd brought.

It was that weird October weather where it's at least 20 degrees at lunchtime but then gets suddenly cold at sunset.

Anyway, I got the bus to Beaufort (near Brynmawr and Ebbw Vale and about 40 minutes), then scared a shop assistant at the petrol station. "Going for a walk, is it?" she asked, and I said "Yes, going to see where ma's ashes were scattered" and she was all apologetic but it was cute.

I then walked up to the reservoir, which was only about a mile or so. However, the route I took went through a field full of BULLS, which was v. scary. I took my hat off and tried to look meek but unsexy. They were pretty chill, though, and just watched me go past.

I got to the reservoir and found the old squash bottle where pa had thoughtfully dumped the ashes three weeks ago and they were still there

WAT. I mean, still lying about in drifts over the stones at the edge of the water. Btw, human ash is not exactly 'dust', it's much grittier than that. I went down to them and looked closely. I could see a shiny brownish bit that was probably tooth and a tiny bright pink fleck that I recognised as nail varnish. Strangely, this was more cute than upsetting. I played with the dust and let it run through my fingers.

Then I took my shoes off and sat by it. It was warm and sunny and a nice place to sit. I then read the dust some poetry and threw a bit into the water so it could float about. Then I wrote a note explaining who was scattered here, took a mini lunchbox and buried the note under a couple of layers of rock. I think I might go back and put a couple of grains in the box. Or would that be against the wishes? Would she prefer to blow about? Or not give a crap, due to being aforementioned dust?

Still, I think it was good to put the note there, because I had really wanted a tombstone and this was sort of it. I felt really bad when I got home, but I think that was just tiredness. It felt really sad to leave the dust there, sunning itself on the rocks, but at least it was a nice place.

I went mostly because the official ashes ceremony was really badly-done, with pa acting like he was emptying a hoover bag, so I'm glad I had more space.

Voice Post

2009-10-14T11:14:24Z

nood

2009-09-30T23:55:21Z

I forgot to write up my Amsterdam trip, but I'll post the pictures up and narrate them instead. Except there are no actually useful photos because I kept forgetting to take any.

I can totally recommend the guest house I was in, despite not having a fridge.

I also did 90 minutes of nood art modelling on Saturday. It was all v. respectable in a church hall etc, but I still had an awful moment when I took my robe off that this was exactly how nightmares started. It was so much like a nightmare for a second that it became too familiar to be awkward. And then I sat down in a tasteful not-complete-exposure position and was in too much pain to feel embarrassed. I mean, it was awful. I thought my foot would get gangrenous, it was that numb.

Then I went to Chorlton and spent the whole £15 on waitressing clothes and a dip pen from the art shop (which was worth it because the assistant was beautiful in a 'badly-dressed Patrick Wolf' way)

I should mention the trip to Wales and the rather abrupt ashes-scattering by papa, somewhere on a reservoir that's impossible to visit. I want to be scattered or buried or whatever at a busy train station, so people can visit me easily.

teaching waffle from edinburgh

2009-08-15T12:00:39Z

I didn't do very well in the job, but in a way I'm not used to. Normally with office work etc, I'm either efficient and painfully bored or I just don't do it. I'm not used to trying and failing at work. I can't imagine what sort of reference you get for 'tries hard but fails enormously'

I just continually ran out of things to teach the little sods after about 75 minutes, which was unfortunate as the lessons ran to 90 minutes. I just don't have the attention span or the sense of time. I can do 60 minutes perfectly, but just get filled with soul-searing horror when they run through their little tasks and there's still half a sodding hour to go.

After my painful observation report, I was taken off running full lessons and put to Helping and Observing (they did pay me for the full week though, which is nice). I was apparently good at that and also learnt a couple of time-filling tricks.

I need more Tricks and Little Games for them. Gah. Also I'll never be much good at the discipline thing. They even suggested that I'd probably be better off tutoring or doing Learning Support.

It's not too bad, as my ultimate aim is to become a shiny and attractive object for free Phd funding via a graduate teaching assistantship. That will surely involve the least coercion of any teaching job as you really can just ramble about 0 for the last twenty minutes of every lesson and also ask people not to turn up if they feel bored. Well, my professors always did anyway.

tabletabletabletablet

2009-08-02T22:14:59Z

So I got back from Edinburgh today, which was a v. hard job teaching bratty spoilt little shites of European teenagers and not getting a good appraisal thanks to the little fucks.

Other than that, the town is v. cute and I was in a cute suburb just south of town called 'newington'. I shall put some pictures up tomorrow. I also went to the beach at portobello and saw some of the 'homecoming parade', which seemed to involve bellowing Australians in kilts. More people should wear kilts, especially pretty men with red underpants who swirl round too quickly.

Also I need some more of that damned addictive tablet toffee. MORE NOW MORE. I did spend one day gathering around 70% of my nutrition from tablet.

I need a skill to teach so I can do the fun holiday stuff, so I bought some ballet shoes and might try a few classes again. It's only my ridic figure and inability to comprehend discipline that kept me from a career in Dance.

work fun

2009-07-20T18:54:54Z

From tomorrow, I will teaching foreign kiddies in the new and unusual city of

edinburgh

Where are the cool places to go?

evening all!

2009-07-05T20:43:06Z

look, i embedded!

2009-06-19T22:13:19Z

character meme

2009-05-02T10:15:48Z

Character meme from nerdcakes

Julian Bashir.

1. Do you like this character?

Yes, he has a nice breezy bedside manner, which a lot of clever doctors never bother to cultivate. He also has a fine line in self-disgust, which is sad but rather sweet.

2. What name/s do you call this character?

Julian. He never really gets called much else, due to his informality. Although Garak calls him "Doctor" in a rather arch tone.

3. What colors do you associate with this character?

That light aqua that Trek science people wear. The later grey-on-black gloomy Ron uniform really suited him.

4. What songs do you associate with this character?

Hm. Not much music in Trek, really, and I can't remember what he was singing with Miles that time. Urm. He's a very Pulp man; thin and wordy.

5. What blood type do you think this character is?

This is that Japanese blood-type-as-character thing. I dunno, possibly Enhanced Silver blood.

6. What character do you like to put with this character?

Well, his arc stretched from his early role as Garak's doe-eyed patsy to a firm foundation as Miles' "I like you more than my wife" partner.

7. What would you want to say to this character?

I'd tell him not to worry about the genetic thing and that even if Miles leaves for Earth, he'll find another better-friend-than-wife one day.

8. Which do want to do with this character: Shake hands, hug, fuck or kiss?

Any of those, really, although I'm not rabid about it. I did have a proper crush on him for a while. If I went out with him, we'd talk too much to ever get round to flirting.

9. Leave a comment and I'll give you a character to talk about if you like.

Poll around the Mayring

2009-04-26T17:50:10Z

View Poll: poll around the mayring

hi (I have to stop titling posts that)

2009-04-26T15:50:35Z

Hi folks!

I'm normally ok with things, but sometimes after a Visit to the Folx, I feel bad the next day. It's so fast, you wouldn't believe how fast someone can go downhill, she is worse even than at Easter.

We went to Wales at Easter to look at 'where the ashes will go', which turned out to be an unimpressive couple of ponds in the valleys (near Aneurin Bevan's memorial, which should please papa no end hahaha). My brother backed out of the whole experience, which left me livid, but I sort of made up afterwards during a rather weird one-sided row that was more like a lecture. Papa acted like an arse at me again on another day, and doesn't get on with my poor aunt and oh how I long for that clone upbringing in a tank somewhere far away from all this. I went for a lot of long walks every time an argument looked close to starting.

I did get a black laugh out of maudlin papa saying "I haven't been a good father, really" for some damn reason. Not only is it not really relevant at the moment, it's also a gigantic understatement. I don't know if it's repulsive or sort of healthy, but I'm tempted to have a silent spread bet with myself about when The Big Day arrives. I say Oct 20th, same as my cousin two years ago, just for maximum awkwardness.

The course/teaching thing has been going ok, but I am awful at time management and preparing stuff from home. I should be doing a slide show for "Blake and his historical context" but I just played more Lego Star Wars. They have such cute little faces! I wonder if I could take the day off tomorrow for Emotional Stress, or save it up for when it's *really* needed.

Talking of which, I do like Crashdown's turn on "Smallville" and the latest "Heroes". I should go for a walk or something, but I'm watching a music-video programme of EVERY NUMBER ONE OF THE EIGHTIES OMG, which will take all day, as it's been five hours (with taping and skipping ads, so only 2 really) and they're just up to 1985.

Ho well

2009-04-06T16:59:32Z

Why is mike batt, writer of 'bright eyes' and 'remember you're a womble' following me on twitter? Doesn't take long to get back into holiday mode - it's half five and i'm still not at ikea. There are some really odd crows on this platform.

wee birdy

2009-04-01T13:01:10Z

20:29 zo, listening to a+j podcast and resting my poor feet from all the cycling and wandering through next looking at overpriced skirts. #
20:40 @chuckpalahniuk I just checked and my website is still up from 10 years ago:
tinyurl.com/c69wap #
20:45 new order "vanishing point" ♫ twt.fm/20770 #
20:48 @keever hi! #
20:49 bang bang machine "geek love" ♫ twt.fm/20774 #
21:14 Damar on the DS9 repeats is already starting his redemption, and I love his gloomy reluctance to follow orders and self-hating laughs. Yay. #
21:37 kelis "millionaire" ♫ twt.fm/20783
ok, i'll stop now. #
23:52 china black "searching" ♫ twt.fm/21066 #
01:28 @jacobtwop ha ha on the onion link. so say we all #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

wee birdy

2009-03-31T22:47:33Z

This is the TEST shipment you asked for

22:47 I couldn't find a tweet to post for loudtwitter #
22:47 So I posted this. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

multi-me

2009-03-31T19:21:48Z

The handy thing about having a dorky username is that you can strand it over multiple sites. You can be part of the grapefruitzzz experience on Twitter, Journalfen and Insamejournal. Not Facebook, because that is full of my real 'friends' and sort of doesn't interact with my snazzzy online identity much. Although I can link you if you like.

I have been fannying about with Twitter all weekend, adding random groovy celebs and then dumping them when they update too oftencourtneylove.

In other news, 'Law and Order' is kind of dull and about what I deserve for being immature enough to watch shows merely for the pretty people.

I went swimming on Sunday, which was good exercise but kind of dull too. Did I already say that? I should do some memes instead.

hi peeps

2009-03-28T12:49:13Z

You know, I should write a review of the BSG finale, but I'd need to watch it again to do that AND THE GIANT FLOCK OF SAVAGE WILD HORSES ARE NOT AVAILABLE TO DRAG ME THERE RIGHT NOW. At least when Douglas Adams did it, it made sense.

Also I really want a cute robot friend to make me coffee and make little 'chhhnk chhhnk' noises as it walks. I AM SOWING DESTRUCTION.

If anyone wants me to knit them a mobile phone cosy (with handy earphone pouch!) or mp3 player cosy, then send in the specs and I'll do it. I should be doing about 10001 other things right now, such as lessonplanning, tidying the room, the OU writing thing, my hair, going to the library, buying a spring coat and TIDYING THE BLOODY ROOM but it's always good to get new projects.

...stranded alone on a hillside with only his stupid ideas about nature and a crazy urge to go mountain climbing. He can't look after himself! He can't even get a decent haircut

blather

2009-03-20T16:56:15Z

I went to a sort of school reunion in Northampton last weekend. I wasn't sure what L was doing or whether she'd have people round or the dog or something, so I booked a hotel room zomgz the extravagance. It was so cool to have a little room to myself in town with a shower and a big bed. Within ten minutes, I had covered every surface in the room with stuff and gone out to the shops. They have ace shoeshops in Northampton, due to it being a Traditional Local Thing. Bet Dr. Eleven will wear nice leather shoes.

The reunion wasn't for my school but the upper school after my middle school (while I went on to feel out of place in a posh school). Apart from L, I only knew about two people there but everyone was ok and I met some nice people from Macclesfield. Also the brother of my first ever crush was there (from when I was ten - people forget how young it starts in the head). He looked exactly like him, which was nice.

Also I saw 'Watchmen', which was too much exactly like the comic in places and not enough in others. I liked the cast mostly, but they messed up one of the key scenes and the soundtrack was SO DAMN CHEESY. Maybe the DVD version will balance out better.

I am behind with BSG again, mostly because I have heard dire things from my online friends and because they are not giving my pet character enough to do.

Oh, the teaching. It's better than typing but it ain't my vocation. Too many rules, man. I might go to London for the summer to teach foreign students, though. It'll be a nice break, if I can afford to keep up two rents.

croeso!

2009-03-01T23:39:12Z

SmithsLyricsDay (and friends)

2009-02-14T02:21:09Z

She said 'He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity.
In the room downstairs, he sat and stared
In the room downstairs he sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again".

And though I walk home alone
I might walk home alone
My faith in love is still devout.

I've watched your face for a long time,
It's always the same.
I've studied the cracks and the wrinkles
You were always so vain.
But now you live your life like a shadow in the pouring rain.

Other offers welcome.

snot fair

2009-02-06T12:45:22Z

The whole country is all excited by snow, staying inside, travel nightmares and Huge Transport Delays. I am entirely cut off from this experience by this sort of thing:

(those white bits aren't snow but antique bird poo)

It snowed for about half an hour yesterday. Pathetic.

Also I got a laptop that I can't use because my bosoms are too big. After some consultation with various corsetieres, I am about a 30H, or even a 28J - truly the holy grail of stupid freakish tiny-ribcage sizes.

today is my birthday!

2009-01-27T00:03:33Z

Yay!

I bought myself an espresso pot and some soap stuff. My brother got me the Nightwing: Year One book and lent me "Matter", which I might read this time despite the weight.

:(

2009-01-19T02:51:21Z

So anyway, I spent the last couple of days catching up on 14 episodes of BSG before watching the latest one.

:(

Gaeta's leg! Lee's hair! Geiger counters! Dee's Date Nite! Papa's breakdown! Starbuck's corpse! Cancer lady! Thirteen previous episodes of gridning misery beforehand (oh wait, there was that comic scene where Roslin and Baltar bitch about who can best talk to the hybrid and Lee's hair was more funny than tragic). I feel so HAPPY with this ENTERTAINMENT.

I feel as if I'm sealed inside a grey metal box.

Does anyone know anything cheerful I could watch?

Tch tch bad grapefruit

2009-01-08T01:12:30Z

I met my fellow teaching-students today and did my usual terrible job of it. I have this 30-minute shyness that turns into horrible repellent grumpiness. This wasn't helped by the lack of food. I ate breakfast at 10.15am, set out on the trail, got there at 12.30pm, found out the canteen had shut, and didn't really Bond Well with people until I sneaked a few nuts in my mouth at 3.30pm. Must pack lunch in future.

With any luck, most of them will think that 30 minutes was a fit. Some won't forgive, but hey. The man in my post office hasn't forgiven me for five years, the sad sod. I still hate the course, even more now it's on Pluto, but it beats working in a call centre. I have to remember that. Also I get the faint whiff of "talking about arts" every now and then. I even got to read a Milton sonnet and make snooty private jokes to myself about how galumphy Shakespeare's were in comparison.

wah wah wanna free phd not this waaaaah. Also beware Lush demons offering free parcels of joy if you spend £20 because after a day like mine, £20 goes away like a v. expensive fizzy bath.

drawing

2009-01-06T01:56:00Z

I skipped skool today (and may do tomorrow too because I am feel sad and lazy um make that "have a cough"). However, I did go to a Life Drawing class and drew a nude lady. She kept standing in annoyingly foreshortened positions.

Also I found out that I have the lovely combination of being a massive perfectionist with a tiny attention span. If it looks crap after ten minutes, another twenty won't help. It was only a nice hippy girl that stopped me throwing them all away. No wonder I doodle.

Now, how can I get up the nerve to start this course when I've done no preparation due to having an awful xmas? I feel like a big sack of custardy wool.